Mast-read for guys experiencing difficulties in communicating with the opposite sex. In the article-proven tips on how to overcome shyness, learn to lead an interesting dialogue and avoid awkwardness. Plus a few universal topics for conversations that will help out if your head was completely empty.
Meeting or talking to a girl for shy guys is a serious challenge. In their case, it is not an ordinary light mandrage, but a real tsunami out of fear and excitement. Sean Cooper, a man who has got rid of shyness on his own, is sure that all these troubles can be overcome. Below are some of his recommendations to help fight embarrassment and make conversation more relaxed.
3 reasons fear of girls
1. Feeling of inferiority
Just the sight of an attractive girl makes you nervous, and the thought of coming up to her is terrifying. Why? Because you consider yourself unworthy of this beauty. Remember women whose appearance is far from your ideal. Surely their company causes less discomfort.
The point is that men make too far-reaching conclusions based only on the external data of women. But imagine if she was stupid. Or she has no sense of humor at all? Or do you just have nothing in common? You still do not know this person, and already confident in its splendor (and his discrepancy to him).
As a result, the feeling of inferiority deprives you of confidence and prevents you from showing your individuality.
Tip: remember that the appearance says more about genes than a person. So do not hurry to deify a stranger and send yourself to the list of unworthy. Better find out in practice what kind of person she is.
2. Obsession and unrealistic fantasies
Shy guys tend to choose one girl the object of dreams. With the beautiful special can be associated with just a couple of short conversations or smiles: shy person is enough to present in detail the future together. What happens in the end? The guy is so wound up that when it comes to decisive action, he is lost under the weight of high expectations.
You thought about it for so long and turned it into such a perfect being that you were paralyzed by fear.
Another scenario: you finally dare to invite her on a date, but after three minutes of conversation you realize that she is not the beautiful lady from your head. And on the basis of three-minute communication make the decision to retreat, and not knowing the girl for real.
Tip: say “stop” to empty fantasies and direct energy to communication. Well, remember that in the world a lot of cute and interesting girls. To focus on one with which you are almost not familiar, clearly should not.
Guys who suffer from shyness or have little experience in a relationship can wait a long time for the right moment to talk, touch, first kiss. But the longer they wait and the more they think about it, the more fear becomes.
Tip: act impulsively. All thoughts that appear after the first impulse are aimed at dissuading you from the act. In the end, it is better to do and regret than not to do and regret.
How to talk to a girl
1. Build the conversation right
Cooper mentions the method of chain messages. You probably already used this technique, but maybe not quite right.
The essence of it in the following … the Starting point is any, even the most insignificant information. Then the clarifying question is asked. Based on the answer to this question, the following replica is built. And then on the thumb.
Example of a failed conversation:
A: Hello! Where are you from?
B: From Chelyabinsk.
A: Oh, what are you doing there?
A: Where, if not secret?
Error And that he too has formally approached the conversation. In the end, he was reduced to the banal enumeration of facts from which brutalized frezerovshik V.
Tip: bet on emotions, not boring data.
For example, instead of doing a survey And could share their impressions about Chelyabinsk or ask what she likes (or dislikes) in this city.
Second recommendation: develop the topic in several directions. So the conversation becomes more complete. And even if one of the branches of the conversation turns out to be a dead end, you can always go back to the other.
Exercise ” conversation Map»
Take a clean sheet of paper. In the middle, write a word that can be the beginning of a conversation or that you often hear from girls. Now draw the rays that depart from it. They are the aspects of the conversation. Formulate them as statements or as questions. The main thing is that they relate to emotions and values. The more directions you come up with, the better.
Initial word: psychologist.
Branch-emotion: what do you feel when you come into such a close relationship with different people?
Branch validity: you must be a very caring person, if you have chosen this profession.
2. Don’t be afraid of silence
A sudden pause in the conversation, says Cooper, that’s fine. It is not normal that you feel uncomfortable and uncomfortable about them. It is with these feelings and need to fight.
The first thing to do is to realize that you are not a toastmaster, but an accomplice to the conversation. No need to blame yourself for not being able to react instantly and figure out how to continue the conversation. It’ll only make the stupor worse.
The second rule is to stay relaxed. If you’re nervous about the silence, it automatically becomes awkward.
The third rule (and a hint) is a natural continuation of the conversation. Situational comments can help here. The essence of the method is to pay attention to what is happening in the outside world, and not try to frantically find a topic in your head (which due to stress becomes completely empty).
When you are relaxed and not fixated on internal search, the dialogue ceases to be tormented.
3. Learn to talk about anything
Another problem of many shy people: they believe that every conversation should be meaningful. At the same time, there are constant conversations around, the content of which many instantly forget.
Such conversations about anything sometimes irritate or cause confusion, and their participants may seem just narrow-minded. However, these people have no difficulty in initiating contact and receive their dose of social interaction. And this they should learn.
Where to start? Stop thinking and let yourself be spontaneous. You are in the present moment, not worrying about what you said 10 seconds ago or what you will need to say in 10 seconds.
Trust your brain, don’t try to squeeze all the juice out of it. In fact, it is a powerful device with a decent amount of information. You just have to let him do his job.
4. But just in case, have a list of topics
Prepared topics-it’s like a cheat sheet: it is not necessary to use, but with it you feel more confident. The range of topics that you can talk to the girl, do not need to keep all the time in mind. It is enough to outline it and leave it on the periphery of consciousness: if something goes wrong, you can always use it.
Sean Cooper offers nine areas from which to draw ideas for conversation:
Observations of the present (situational comments).
As a training, you can come up with five topics-examples for each of these areas.
Another option-to talk about what you really know a lot about, and try to interest this interlocutor. In your field you will feel more confident and will be able to open up.
Another alternative is to let the girl talk about what she understands, but at the same time to remain genuinely passionate about the topic. A genuine interest is always felt. And attracted.
Of course, follow all the advice at once is not worth it. Try one technique, then another, check in practice, in which situations they work better, or choose the one that is more to your liking.